dreams come true!

last night i had the best dream ever!

i was a contestant on the bachelor.  shut up.  right now!

i don't remember much......like who the guy was!

but i do remember that we were on a group date.

and we were in a pool.

he pulled me over to the side and was talking to me and being all flirty.

then, a girl {i think jess w. from high school!} came and asked if we wanted to go to the diving board.

i looked at him, and when he didn't answer, i said: 'sure'

then he says: 'can you give us a couple minutes?'

she agreed.

pause: you know this is a dream because whenever they ask for more time no one agrees!! LOL.

then, he turns to me and says, 'just when i try to pull you aside, you're already ready to leave me'.

and then we did what everyone does on the bachelor and started kissing.

full on making out.

it was lovely.

then on the way home, somehow we picked up abby c. and jess k. from malone.

and in the car, the bachelor starts holding my hand {he was in the row behind me so it was obvious}.

and abby kept looking at me like, 'oh yeah!  you're on the bachelor!'

it was so weird.

and yet, i was so happy.  

it got me to thinking.  why was i so happy?

to have the affection of a man?  

to be loved and loved on? 

i haven't had that in so so long.

so it got me thinking more. 

and the Lord has been teaching me that i'm just now adjusting from Haiti.

here this whole time i thought i was all adjusted and doing fine.

but the Lord revealed to me i'm not.

having Jerry on the trip was so amazing.

and since i've seen that love he had for me, my heart has been burdened.

i want that love in my earthly father.

i want to feel that loved and cared for.  daily.

and the thing is?  i am.  by my Heavenly Father.

and it's good and i know it.  but i've been having trouble feeling it.

you know sometimes when you just need a hug?

like, i know the Lord's here.  but it would be awesome if he could hug me.

so i need to dwell in His love more.

i need to be able to see and feel it.  cause i so badly desire it.

and that's where i'm at.

it's been a tough couple days.

but i know He is sovereign and will bring me through it all and bring me closer to Him.

p.s. i love my church.

i am going to miss it so so much.

and today i went to the alter cause i feel i need to forgive some people i don't want to.

jamie johnson came up and prayed with me.

and i just so desperately miss how Parkside doesn't have alter calls and times like that.

i need times like that where i get to a breaking point.

cause in those times i feel and seek Him more.