a weeping heart

the other night were the gville fireworks.

they were so good and i went to them with tyler, caitlin c., and katie p.

it was nice to catch up with them all, it had been so long!

but before we all connected, we were at jeanie's house for a cookout.

we were all chatting and i mentioned going to see tyler.

to which my mother said, 'tyler who?'

for some reason, my mom ALWAYS says that.

she's only been my best friend for ohhh 8 years or so.

and i get frustrated cause my mom always mixes up her name and i feel like that the one name she should at least try to remember.  

my mom was on edge a bit, which wasn't helping.

so i mentioned that she never remembers her name, but i'm always talking about tyler.

to which my mom said:

'how would you like it if i just criticized you all day long?'

....i held my tongue.  i wanted to say so much.

then about 5 seconds later she turns to me and says:

'you're so sassy to me, i don't know why i put up with you anymore!'

....i tried to hold my tongue!  i told myself to stay quiet.

but with a week of horrible sleep and just being fed up, i replied.

'well you're a brat to me, too, mom'

just like that.  insert foot in mouth, please.

and i instantly stormed off, wishing i could rewind what just had happened.

i felt awful the whole time, and thought i was going to be in huge trouble.

but i don't share this story to say who was right or wrong.

i share it because in the mist of all this going on,  

my heart was weeping.

i got home and was just praying that the Lord give me wisdom on what to say and how to act.

and when i woke up this morning, as i was praying before i knew i needed to apologize, i started crying.

apologizing can be such a humbling thing.

it is hard to make that step to say 'hey.  i am human.  and i was wrong.  but i'm so sorry'

{and is it just me or does it seem harder around family and those you know?!}

and i start to cry because it makes me hate that i have that area in my heart.

why would i respond like that?

it is the complete opposite of how anyone who follows Christ should act.

it's embarrassing and so humiliating.

and i hate that this area is inside of my heart.  it makes me weep and i want it changed.

so i prayed for strength to make every step downstairs.

and i made it.  and immediately apologized. and my mom was very apologetic too for over reacting.

it was a long week for everyone and we were both fed up. 

i am so thankful that this was a grace period, and i'm praying i learn to NOT act this way again.

and i so desperately pray that the Lord removes these areas from my heart.

i want a heart that so deeply mirrors His.

i want to be an encourager and someone people enjoy being around.

i want to be a woman whose heart is so pure before God.

no darkness or inconsistency.

side note: 5 years ago i was in peru.  gosh, that place changed my life.

i facebooked susie, the organized of brio missions, and told her a big thank you for her work.

she said they're going to peru and will need leaders.

i pray that the Lord brings me to brio {now susie mag} missions again to help be an impact in young women/men lives.  and i am praying that this timing is coming up sooner than later.

that's all.

i am thankful that the Lord brought me to weep.

i love that it means there is a connection with the Holy Spirit and that i was in-tune enough to feel the 'tug' to tell me to apologize and that i had made a mistake.

i pray i continue to listen to that voice and that it becomes more clear as life goes on.

and i pray that this situation was the Lord carving out another section of my broken life to be more pure and Christ-like.