whose the source?

two nights ago i got to get together with one of my best friends, rachel wor.

we've been friends for a little over 2 years and she is just such a blessing.

she has helped me so much in my life, and was a huge support system when i went through my initial years of seasonal depression {which i'm praying is healed and won't come again this year!}

but she was there.  and so patient.  and so encouraging, even when i was a brat.

she's just one of those forever friends.  

anyways, on my way home from dinner/hanging out, i got a call from jake.

he wanted to get together and talk....and i was immediately kinda irritated {if i'm honest here}

we are done.  we have had this conversation.  why beat the dead horse?

but i told him i would.  so i get back at 10 45 ish {which is late for me.  and crankiness starts setting in} and call him and try to discuss this over the phone b/c it was raining.

but no such luck.  he wanted to meet in person.

so we did.

and you know what?

i was instantly and completely humbled.

it was not what i thought it would be {which i thought he was going to say he wanted me still}.

oh it was the opposite.

he said he needed to apologize, and proceeded to say {in the nicest and most apologetic way possible} that he had feelings for his ex and had used me, unintentionally.

i was that rebound girl.  the one no one ever wants to be.

um.  ouch. 

how do you take that?

how do you hear someone say 'i used you'?  

how do you hear someone say 'i choose her over you'?

i think shock was the initial response.  and is still a present emotion.

just last week he was singing my praises and i said no.

and now he was saying this.  talk about a quick change.

but in all of this, i'm SO thankful.

if you think about it, this is a huge blessing to see the hand of God.

last week i was frustrated and didn't know why God told me to 'let it go'

and i got to pretty immediately see why he said no.

because he knew Jake's feelings and heart more than jake did.

and He was totally protecting my heart.

and this thought literally blows. me. away.

i mean, how often do we get to see His hand so clearly?! {and at the same time it has encouraged me to try to see the hand of God in little things, too}

but in all the conversation, i kept thinking how faithful God is.

how he REALLY does have my best interest at heart.

how He is a father who gives GOOD gifts. even when we can't see it at the moment.

this time last year, my life song was "never once" by matt redman.  but it was the song because i was so discouraged and failing my nursing classes.  

now?  nursing classes are wrong.  but this is still my theme song.

because He is SO faithful.  and this just proves it once again.

and i could sit here and feel insecure, upset, or sad that jake told me he used me.

i mean, i don't think anyone has flat out told me that before. 

but i can choose to say that Jesus is my source.

He is my source of joy.

He is my source of contentment.

He is my source of strength.

He is my source of true value.

He is the source who has victory over Satan's attempts to tell me i'm not good enough.

and when i have Him as my source, He protects me.

and i can be so happy for jake and his ex heather.

i don't have to let this steal my joy, but can rejoice in their happiness {or possibly getting back together}

so those are my thoughts the last couple days.

the Lord has just been showing my so much about Himself since Haiti, starting with the love i felt from Brenda and Jerry. 

it has been so unreal.  and i pray He continues to move in big ways

but i skipped chapel today to study for a theory test in 45 minutes.  

so i guess i should study. LOL.