woah, the week has gotten away from me.
the last several nights i would lie in bed and then tit would hit me i haven't written about today.
but i've been trying to wake up between 6 30 and 7 30 every day regardless of the two days i get to sleep in. i'm trying to get back into a regimented schedule cause it makes getting up easier on those days off. hence, why i didn't spring up out of bed. but just drifted off instead.
this week has been good and a bit out of the ordinary.
the mom that i used to nanny for the last 4.5 years {and i wouldn't say we're on good terms currently} called me.
this person who used to be so involved with my life, and i in hers, called.
for the first time in over 5 months.
yeah. i'll let that sink in for a minute.
i was sitting in theory class and i get a call from a 'restricted' number.
(side note: they restrict their number from everyone.....so this is not a number i restricted!!)
they're my only restricted number people i know, so i knew it was her.
my heart starts pounding and i know i have until 2 30 till i can call her back...it was 11 am!
i also knew that she picks the boys up around 3. and if i didn't get to her before then, i wouldn't hear from her for a bit.
she left a voice mail just saying that if i wanted to call her back she would be around.
real short and real happy. which kinda confused me.
as if the last 5 months she hasn't purpousfully tried to stay out of my life.
anyways, i called her back and left a message, and it's been 3 days and i've yet to hear from her again.
the day she called i spent what seemed like the entire day in prayer.
prayers for wisdom, and prayers for strength.
i don't know why she called, but regardless, i wanted to show Christ in whatever was said.
i was hurt worse that i ever have been before when everything happened in august.
and the week before she called, they had been on my heart like crazy.
this was the progression of my prayers that week:
--Lord, please be with rachel and her family. i pray they all come to know You and that the boys/girl follow Your ways.
--Lord, i don't know why they're still on my heart. i hope everything health wise is OK. be with them. show them they need You.
--ok Lord, whyyy are they on my heart?! am i healing enough? and do i need to be calling her to say i am sorry--which i have apologized, but just again--and just end on a good note?!
i wasn't sure if i was ready to call them.
i feel i've done a LOT of healing, especially since october.
and that was due to lots of prayer for Him to take away my bitterness.
so i thought i was healed and at a point where i could re-open the wound in a constructive way.
but then she called and i wasn't so sure.
so i just prayed like crazy.
and when i told two of my good friends, abby c. and bishop, you know they both did?
they both asked if they could pray with me right then and there.
how awesome are my friends?
it gave me so much comfort to not only know their prayers for me, but to know that they cared enough to be praying for me.
it was an awesome reminder of how blessed i am with the Godly people around me.
i am not sure when i'll talk to her or if she will call me again.
but regardless, will you pray for me?
i need prayers that i don't let bitterness speak into the conversation, but grace and love.
i need prayers that i can have strength that only He can give. this conversation probably won't be easy. they were as big of a part of my life as my own family.
i need prayers that i have the words to say and that they are not my own.
and when i was talking to bishop, i asked her how do i not let bitterness drive the conversation? cause so much of me wants to NOT answer any questions about my life cause she didn't care before. if she's a big part of my life she can't just choose when is convenient for her.
bishop told me to see what i'm not sharing about my life because i feel she doesn't 'deserve' it then that's not good. but if i'm just guarding my heart, i have a reason to be careful.
so, i need prayers for the discernment as to whether i am withhold information out of bitterness, or out of a guarded and hurt heart (i want it to be the later).
my initial response with all of this was to yell:
'you have taken yourself intentionally OUT of my LIFE the last 5 months. what makes you think you can just come right back in?!'
but i hear Jesus saying, 'you do the same to me. and i STILL love you'
and i am glad that i might get a chance to talk things out with her.
pray that i continue to heal, and that this conversation {whenever it happens} is God honoring.
p.s..had clinical last night.
didn't think i was going to get through the day, was soo tired!
but i got to do two IV pushes, and an IVPB (piggy back).
ANNNND i got to change the tubing on a TPN.
it was a good night of 'firsts' and kept me busy.
and i was asked why i get so excited about things from dottie.
bhaha.
i should have responded with 'cause i love Jesus, fool.'
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