just ended a 45 minute conversation where i was shaking the whole time.
and i'm still slightly shaking.
but the only thing i want to do is write about it.
a couple months ago i got a call from the mom i used to nanny for while in theory class.
i missed it, and called her back. but she never called me back again.....til today.
i was sitting in the kitchen doing homework when i see a 'restricted' number.
they're the only restricted number i know, and i debated whether to pick up or not.
heart pounding, i picked up.
she proceeded to make small talk about the semester and everything.
she told me that rory had said today:
rory: 'i haven't seen my favorite babysitter in a long time'
taylor: 'who is that?'
rory: 'not kate. ann. she went to college...and i never saw her again!'
so that is why she called, cause she said she thought that was so sad.
{i refrained from saying, did you tell him that was your fault?!}
then after a good 20 or so minutes of catching up, she told taylor to leave her alone because she was talking to me and hadn't heard from me in a while. then proceeded to ask me why i had been putting her off.
she said i could probably tell her the day and time we last talked.
i said if i had a calendar i probably could.
i knew right then and there this was going to be the conversation i had been dreading.
she said she had heard from the valenzuela's that i was really hurt and i confirmed that.
after 45 minutes, i was able to share how i was really hurt by the situation and how when you really really care about someone, and then are just cut off, it's really hurtful. i had put a lot of time into their family and felt like it was just not handled greatly. and i didn't want to be disrespectful by calling them because i didn't know if they were still mad about the situation {or where they stood because the last conversation was them yelling at me}.
she said she was sorry that i thought by that conversation that they were saying they never wanted to see me again, because she says that was not their intent. (which, how could it not be?).
she asked how she could have handled it better (for learning purposes) because i was leaving for school and it wasn't like they could send me to my room.
she felt it either was addressed sternly, or not at all.
i told her that the fact that i sat there bawling the whole time and they never once said they realized i was sorry or apologetic was what gave me that impression. how is yelling at me for over an hour, while i have tears running down my face, productive?
something to confirm that they didn't want to cut me off would have been helpful.
she also said she had seen my car at home for breaks and noticed i didn't call.
i told her that at times i thought i could see the boys and at other times i didn't think i could do anything but cry if i were to see them.
i also said that my mom had asked if i was going to see them and i had been bitter.
she asked what about and i told her that i wasn't really sure, but i knew it was part of, and normal, for the whole grieving process. i was bitter at myself and bitter than it was handled the way it was, and bitter that they were so OK with leaving me in the dust.
i told her my famous line that i've always thought about their children:
'i leave your house so many times wondering 'how am i ever going to love my kids as much as these?' i mean i know i will but i can't fathom it sometimes'
at the end, she said that she was hoping i would come over and see the boys.
she wants to move on past this, and asked if i wanted to, too.
however, she said that she would have understood if i had already been blocking them out and didn't think i was ready to let them all in again.
i told her that when you really care about someone you don't just stop caring for them.
especially when it was people that were like family.
i told her that i would like to see the kids. so i'm going over tomorrow.
i knew it i waited any longer i would chicken out.
i am unsure of my decision. i feel it can be good to mend things. but i also feel this could be really hard on my heart.
i have never been broken up by a guy, but i can only image that the heart break i went through was 102309823 times worse than what a break up would be like.
she asked why i didn't call and ask if they never wanted to talk to me, but how are you supposed to have that conversation?
oh hey. do you never want to see me again? oh, ok. bye.
i mean, really. you don't have those conversations. either you just stop talking, or you keep talking.
simple as that.
not to mention, i was still an employee. which makes it unique because at that moment i was not treated like a family member, so i was not going to respond like one.
and at one point she said:
'we never meant to give out the signal that we never wanted to see your face again.....even though i'm told it looks a lot like mine."
which was actually really funny haha.
we get told we look alike by many people.
either way, i am going to see the kids tomorrow.
i'm nervous. anxious. excited. scared to death.
please pray for me. how to handle the situation and be loving.
it's hard for me to not go 'all in' with friendships/relationships.
and i am so worried i'll put myself in a position that i'll get hurt. again.
and that is the last thing i want.
i need wisdom on how to be able to handle all this.
on a positive note, today was super tuesday!
i proudly went out and voted.
{some of the wins depend on ohio. my home state!}
{this time 4 years ago i was voting in my first primary!}
{primary voting day, 2012!}
then i got to spend the evening with the valenzuelas.
they have such a special place in my heart.
i love all their kids and love spending time with them.
after i left their house jen txted me:
'we always love having you!!! you r very special to all of us!'
and it's people like them, who have been there for me since day ONE. and never left my side.
(and it's been longer than any family i've been babysitting for!)
they're awesome and such a blessing.
remember. pray for me tomorrow!
it would mean so much to me.
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