God is gently telling me to wait. so i guess i'll wait.

so that matt chandler that i mentioned loving earlier?  well this is a section from his sermon and it touched me.

"if we can just be honest with one another, i know this is church and that might not be possible, but if in the end we could all be honest ....if you live long enough there's going to be a day, there's going to be an hour, there's going to be a season, there's going to be a time where you are L.O.S.T as to what God is doing.  alright? and it doesn't make any sense and you're not going to be able to see well, and it's going to h u r t. and anyone who lives long enough will get there." 

then i saw someones status and it said this:  

"it changes things immensely when you realize that suffering is used by God to lay the foundation for greater joy in your life."

suffering.  challenges.  confusion.  the unknown.   

all these words i could use to describe things going on right now in my life.

don't get me wrong--God is good and God is still soverign.  

but that doesn't mean that life is a smooth and easy-breezy road the whole way.

i had a dear friend amanda contact me today and tell me she did not get a job she had wanted.

my heart was so sad for her because it can be so frustrating just not knowing what God is doing.

i tell ya, i know why God put her in my life.

we have gone through some very similar life events at about the same time.  and as much as i hate that she endures them, it brings me such joy to be able to have someone who truly understands.

i {and her} just feel recently that God hasn't been paying attention.

i feel like i am praying and calling out and should also be asking if anyone is up there.

i know He is.......i know it.  but why do i feel like i am just left here to struggle and push on myself?

now, my life is great. i am SO beyond blessed. there are just many areas in my life right now that as i pray about them, God kindly and gently tells me...'wait...'

well i hate to wait. and i know God has been trying to teach me patience, because i hate it.

but really, i'm ready to just do what it takes to get over this stinking phase!!

and yes, i am {partially} talking about a relationship right now.

as i have been babysitting, it has been harder and harder for some reason.

one of those reasons is because as i get older, i am approaching the age where i could very easily {and know plenty of people} who are having their own kids.

i want and have such a desire for kids, and it is so hard on my heart sometimes to know that it is still sooo far away for me.

now, i don't think i am anywhere near ready to be a parent, but i don't even have a boyfriend.

which means i am at least several years away from marriage.

and i don't want to get preggo right after i am married.  so that adds another couple years.

i just feel like i am constantly teased with relationships.

i meet great Christian guys and find out either:

a) they are taken.  doesn't that happen all too often?

or

b) nothing becomes of it and it is just another great Christian guy who isn't interested//the right one.

for instance, this guy i am interested in.  i feel this is a big joke on me.

i feel God is looking down and having some fun playing with my heart.

seeing if i will develop feelings to tell me this isn't the right time.

i know He isn't teasing me.....but that the moment, that's kinda what it feels like.

i know that i will be able to look back on this and see why exactly things are happening the way they are. 

if that means i am to be single a LOT longer {and i honestly dread the thought of this...} than i know that i will learn several things that had to be learned along the way.

i also know that i will be that much more ready when the time is right.

but why does that time have to be so far away?

although i am content with where i am, my heart still yearns for that relationship. we are relational beings and meant to be together. so it's normal to have this desire.

but i feel it is so far out of my reach, and God is just not listening.

the funny thing is, He totally is.

and Satan is so good at telling me otherwise.

because i know that jer 29:11 says that God has plans to PROSPER us and NOT to hard us. 

and God can't give a bad gift....for whose child asks him for bread and he gives them a rock?

not God.  He can't.  cause it's not in his character.

so God is with me, and holding my heart so closely.

probably so close that there is no guy who can have it right now.

and for that?  i'm eternally thankful.

so i am struggling right now. honestly, totally content with being single.

and wishing i knew how much longer i had to be single, cause for some reason, i feel that would make the waiting easier. haha.

i just feel i am getting teased and things are so out of reach right now.

the guy just isn't that into me....story of my life.

the guy's interested but i'm not....story of my life.

when will these tables match?

when will someone who i want to pursue me, pursue me?!

all i know is that it will be amazing when it happens.

how do i know?  cause i serve an incredible God who knows me more than i know myself.

so pray for me {and amanda} as we muddle through this time where it seems the cards will never be in our favor.

pray we overcome the lies to know that this is just a short wait for an amazing thing to come.

Thank you, God, for being a good and faithful God.  i know it is so easy, and i am so horribly good at, worrying about the future and what it will hold.  but You hold every part of it and only use suffering to bring me closer to You and Your will.  help me to be patient and just know that Your love is all i need. while other things might seem to far and so important, they are not. they are so so close in the scheme of things. and the perfect timing will being it all to be. can you give me a peace about it all?  i mean, i somewhat have a peace, but help the discouragement to disappear and the truth to shine like a light in the darkness.  prepare my spouse as we spend time apart and use this time to bring us closer to You and, therefore, closer to each other.  i love you and can't wait to see how my story unfolds.

today was really good. 

went uptown with rory and aubrey and stopped in tickelberry moon.

cassie from church was working!  so we talked for 25 or so minutes.

rory was so well behaved, i couldn't believe it.

anyways, she is such a sweet heart and i really look forward to knowing her more soon.

we talked about a lot of deep stuff--i love deep stuff!

she is 12 weeks pregnant has been super sick. but she will be a great mom!

{she's the one who complimented me the other night at applebees.}

and when i feel discouraged or confused {which i hate cause i am totally type A personality!} i think of the beach.

it's the one place where i feel God's presence the most.

{last summer at OBX.}

how can i feel discouraged when i see my God is big enough to create this massive ocean?  yeah....i can't :].

though i think i know best, God tells me to wait.

so i'll wait.  and as long as He calls me to wait...i will wait.