this ain't goodbye.

well another semester is over and done with. 

and you'll all be glad to know that microbiology was EASY.

yes, you read that right.

he gave us the easy exam.

the whole time i was thinking that 'there is a God.'

supposedly, he knew that we all had patho and wanted to give us a break.

my respect for him went way up after that!

patho was a bit rough but grades are up and i did fine.

just glad to be on summer break 

i'll start it off catching up on sleep, thank you very much.

but with the end of the semester comes goodbyes and how i hate that part.

it was especially hard to say goodbye to my friend amanda.

she has been such a blessing to me this semester

she has been there with me through depression, boys, jealousy, and happiness.

i knew i could go to her for anything. she is truly one of a kind.

when amanda arrived, she was a wreck and had trouble holding herself together.

i'm not one for crying, but the water works started when she left.

{us last week hanging out}

{and yesterday when we said goodbye--we just take good b&w pics}

amanda, thank you so much for your friendship.  i will never ever forget you and please know that no one could ever fill your shoes. this is not goodbye, but more of a 'see you later.' i know God has amazing plans for you. i can't wait to see where He leads you and be a part of that journey. you are so amazing and i will miss you so much. but i will see you very soon--it's a must! i'm missing your smile and fun spirit already. you are such a blessing. don't ever forget it. you have enriched my life greatly and i cannot thank you enough. i love you, amanda....to the moon and back!

{then came the time to say goodbye to my suite.}

sarah and rach--wow. this year was quite the roller coaster {i'll post about that later this weekend when i have a moment to breathe.} but i have learned so much and am so thankful to have gotten to live with you for our sophomore year. there are so many memories and moments i will cherish and remember forever. i would do anything for you ladies, and love you both with all my heart.

sarah--we certainly had our ups and downs this year, but i wouldn't change this experience for the world. your family is amazing and i am so thankful for all their hospitality. i love your spontaneous attitude and your love for the 'f-bomb' {haha}. you helped me through nursing, that's for sure, and i am forever grateful!

rach--i don't even know where to start! i will miss living with you so much. you are such an amazing friend and my longest friend i've had here at malone. you hold a very special moment in my heart and i know i will see you plenty throughout our journey at malone. i can't wait to see where our friendship goes--it's a forever kinda of friendship, this i know. you were there with me through so much {especially as we both faced regrets in regards to boys and not taking opportunities when they were available}. we spent hours and hours crying and sitting in the bathroom just pouring out our hearts. those are times i will always remember. i will always remember my CA training and your cheer training. we would sit for hours and talk. and i cried every night thinking i was not going to be a good CA. you supported me so much and helped me through those bumpy weeks. thank you for being an amazing friend. i love you lots.

{now to say goodbye to my future suite mate elizabeth!}

elizabeth, what can i say!?  when i am around you, you make me want to be a better person {i don't mean that in a creepy way!}.  you have such a love for life and such a radiating spirit. i cannot wait to continue this friendship and learn how to be a better person by your example. you are such a sweetheart and drew is one lucky boy! thank you for letting me borrow your car when my clinical group would not wait for me to get assignment. your heart is so pure and i can't wait to live with you! thank you for being a great friend...here's to many more memories and years of friendships!

THEN, yesterday afternoon i went to the pinning ceremony for the senior nursing students. 

boy, i'll tell ya, i was emotional just sitting there.

what a special moment, and i am glad i got to support them.

weird to think i'll be there in 2 short years.

{holly and rach and i at their pinning--i'm so proud of them!}

ladies, i am so proud of all you have done!  i can't wait to see you as RN's....your patients are so lucky to have you and i am so lucky to know you!

{me and rach--my angel and bff!}

rachel--words cannot describe how much you mean to me.  you have been such a faithful and amazing friend.  you have such a huge, caring heart and have been such a blessing. you have been so patient with me through my depression and i am forever grateful.  i know you've had a rough year, but your time will come. your light shines so bright and someday your family will see it. i have you to thank for being addicted to studying at starbucks :]. i know we will stay friends forever and ever and i want you in my wedding, for sure. your perseverance {being a 5th year senior} is so admirable and i look up to you so much as a nurse. girl, you're one of a kind and i am proud to call you one of my best friends. xoxo

well, needless to say it was a rough afternoon filled with mixed emotions.

while i am glad it is summer and glad to be done with homework for a while, i am going to miss everyone {especially seniors who won't be around in the fall.}

as much as school stresses me out, i am beyond blessed to be where i am in life. 

i'm at a fabulous school that is enhancing my faith. 

and at that place i am metting amazing friends, ones that i never thought existed and that you only dream about.

thank you, Jesus, for knowing the friendships i needed.

i see your love through them and cannot thank you enough.

{p.s....royal wedding was yesterday. had exams so am catching up on it a bit late. mom and sis had a great time and i can't wait to hear more about their experience. i'll always remember i was taking a patho and micro exam while everyone was celebrating Kate and William's wedding.}

exam week preview.

the other night me and some girls went out to eat and then off to starbucks to study.

with exam week, studying is in full swing.

i'm having anxiety attacks because i can't handle this stress.

micro and patho are going to KILL me. and i'm not exaggerating.

how is one supposed to study for two terribly difficult classes--both cumulative might i add--in just a matter of days!?

i'm more nervous than i've been for anything ever.

not to mention, my grades are going to tank this semester.

but i'm trying my best. which is why it's so frustrating!

blah.

here are some highlights of how the week has looked on our end. be jealous:

{we are at a restaurant...damon's maybe? gosh i already forget!}

{and this is how we study at starbucks--txting, of course!}

{and you can't forget how we study in the library. closed eyes and all!}

tomorrow is the big day.

i don't think i'll survive with sanity.

i feel so under prepared for both these exams but there isn't much else i could have done.
i've only ever cried over one other exam {health assessment exam when i got back from a weekend in nashville and hadn't studied.  i cried as she was handing it out.}
but tonight...i cried.
i'm just so not prepared. and this is so not me.
i'm overwhelmed beyond imagination.

here is how studying looked tonight:

i was clearly intrigued with the material.
 ready or not, here i come.

dear God, please give me the sanity and strength to make it through these exams. i am exhausted, burnt out, and at the end of my rope.  but i know that You give me strength when i am weak and carry all my burdens cause you care. thank you for caring. God, i feel i can't do this. but i know You have sustained me this far. please continue to sustain.  with weeping eyes, i beg you to give me peace. please show me You are here. 

twinsies.

the other day alivia walks into my room wearing this.

take a look at us. CA represent!

we're like twins {with necklaces and all!}

 and doesn't she just look thrilled to be in a picture with me?! haha 

just studying going on over here.

i have lost all forms of motivation.

i just need summer.

oh, and my two hardest exams are at the end of the week. 

so yeah, losing motivation...NOT GOOD.

i am so paranoid about these exams that i have spells where i am in such shock that all i can do is stare at the walls. how lame and how unproductive--the opposite of what i need right now.

my eyes have been blood shot the last couple days cause i'm so tired and exhausted in every way, shape, and form {i thought maybe it was pink eye?}

i went to the dr. today and he told me it was just allergies.

excuse me dr. i dont get allergies. ever. 

{and yes, i know, i am SUPER lucky.}

you told me yourself i'm not congested. 

then he told me itching was not a sign of pink eye...uh, yes sir, i believe it is.

anyways, hopefully it's not pink eye and will go away soon. because it certainly is hard to study when my eyes hurt constantly.

they're so uncomfortable! 

today tyler told me she will not be joining me for the musical in a couple weeks because she wants to spend her last weekend on campus :[

i totally understand.

but i'm a bit bummed because i haven't seen my best friend since thanksgiving.

i feel a bit ditched...but what can i do about it?

guess i should get some sleep and study some more! 

please pray for me. freaking out would be an understatement if asked to describe my current state.

God has brought me this far and i know He will continue to carry me.

just dance.

for starters, monday night {the first night back from break} we had a CA reunion.  it was so great to see everyone one last night.  and we got to play four on a couch.  love that game!  plus, my team won both times...booyah.

as we were driving back, we were trying to find a parking spot.  

i said to amanda {who was driving} 'amanda. my two options are to go back and sleep or go back and study. and i don't want to do neither.  can we just drive around and jam?!'

so, sure enough.  that's exactly what we did! 

{the girls in the front}

{me and vanessa, rockin' out in the back!}

i tell ya, it was such a blast!

we had the windows down and blared the music.

and then we would stop the car and get out and dance around.

{some of the songs: 'so what' by pink, 'yeah' by usher, 'down' by j. sean, 'boom boom pow' by black eyed peas. you get the idea}

oh yeah, the people in haviland hall yelled for us to be quiet from their windows.

did that stop us?!  uhhh, no sir.

yes, we were those obnixious people.

and you know what?  i didn't care!

it made me a little uncomfortable, but i thought "heck! this is my last week at school and gosh darn it i'm going out strong!"

{then we added peeps to our group and here we are! jess, amanda t, amanda c, megan, lisa, vanessa and myself.}

while i could have been studying for finals, i thought it was much more important to be making memories that i'll remember forever--cause i sure won't remember the grade i got on my theory exam years from now.

why can't my professors be on the same page with me?!

i mean, college is about friendships.....well thats a big part of it at least.

yet they pile things on so we have to be anti-social. ugh!

side note: since all this, i've been thinking about friendships a lot and how they're so much more important than grades.  i had a great heart to heart with my RA katie last night. again, could have been studying. but studying is so minute in the scheme of things. i know i have a demanding major and that takes a lot of time, but i often with i had more time to just sit and talk to anyone and everyone. it's so important and often so overlooked.

  

i hope to remember this memory for a long long time.

friends being stupid and crazy but having a blast all the while.

college life...at its finest.

easter time.

easter always comes and goes so quickly!

easter dinner was at my house and it was good.

here are some of the highlights from our get together:

{all of the gardner kids. aren't my siblings beauteous?! i just love daniel's alfalfa hair!}

{daniel looks like he's had some intoxicated beverages.  he didn't...don't worry!}

  

{my precious grandpa couldn't figure out how to work the camera. we had some good laughs!}

my mom and sis are going to NYC to Regis and Kelly's royal wedding bash. they get to spend 6 hours in the stupio watching the wedding. not fair! i'm slightly jealous cause i'll be taking exams instead. my mom tried to get my sis to wear her wedding dress. let's just say my sister was not a fan...annnnd she might kill me for posting this pic!

{now with the parents!}

so, here is what Easter looked like at our place. 

 

p.s...i got my hair cut yesterday.  

i hate the day of a haircut--i'm still trying to figure out how to style it!

videos.

i was asked the other day at CA stuff what my guilty pleasure song was.

here it is: i love ANYTHING britney spears. 

we all mess up, and shes got awesome music with a great beat.

i saw this video the other day....pretty funny! and makes me feel not so bad for loving her. cause so do our Marines :]

check out their video!

also, this was shown at church for Easter Sunday.

check it out.

we had easter dinner at my house last night with my gparents, aunt and uncle, siblings and our foreign exchange student, michael. 

he's super funny and we enjoy having him around!  he's from China....awesome, right?! we know.

i will be spending much of this week studying for exams since, you know, there this coming week.

i've got one on tuesday and two on friday.

someone save me now!

i'll post Easter pics tomorrow :]

off to malone tonight where i will have our last CA reunion with the best groups of CA's ever. trying to prepare myself!

besties.

since the 8th grade, i have had the same best friend.

{these pics are in order from the earliest i had them on my comp--three years ago}

she is so wonderful and we have been through so much together.

all those years were not always rainbows and butterflies--quite the contrary.

we had months where we would barely talk.

and months we were inseparable. 

we survived for 6 months when she went to costa rica for foreign exchange sophomore year.

{when she was there we talked every 7-10 days on the phone and we were big fans of snail mail!}

and we survived when i went to Peru and decided to live my life for Christ.

{my 18th birthday}

i know that i can go to her for anything and she accepts me just the way i am.

although we are total besties, we are different in one way...religion.

for me, my faith is a HUGE part of my life and who i am.

it's the complete opposite for her.

i'll be the first one to tell you that it's super rough at times.

when i want my best friend to give me biblical advice, i know that's not gonna happen.

but i value her opinion on anything and everything, regardless.

{us before junior year homecoming}

{us before senior homecoming}

{us before junior prom!}

{and senior prom...}

another thing i love about her is that she's an awesome travel partner! this girl and i would go anywhere in a heart beat! and we're both such good travelers it's so enjoyable.

most people kill their best friends when they spend weeks together.

not us!

{us at disney land in CA for junior year spring break}

{and more from that spring break...here we're in palm desert, CA}

{and us in nashville this past october! one of my favorite candid of us.}

isn't she beautiful?!

i love her cheekbones..they're so defined.

p.s...are you sick of seeing pictures yet!?!

her mother was always like a mom to me.

me and my mom never had a great relationship, to say the least.

but i knew the tyler {my bestie} and her mom were always there.

whether it was boys, school...you name it, she was there.

{high school gradation. it's a bit blurry but us your imagination to un-blurry it :] }

she has three little sisters and is the best big sister.

i totally envy that about her!

when her last sister was born three years ago, i was with her and her two other sisters. when we got the word the new baby was here, amelia said 'we're all big sisters now! and ann is the biggest sister'. (cause i am a couple months older than ty).

precious..i know!

and she drives to see me on my birthday :]

{turning the big 2-0. no longer teenagers!}

she is at a school that is about 30 minutes away.

yet, we never see each other during the academic year.

acutally, i haven't seen her yet in 2011.

oh get this, haven't seen her since thanksgiving.

i know, crazy, right?!

that is why all these pictures are almost ancient!

we're both busy with school and her family was in CA for half of last year--so that's where she spent xmas. then she flew to see her new baby brother, who is adorable!, in hawaii--where her daddy lives.

all that equals no visiting with ann.

 i have plans to see her the second weekend in may.

that is getting SO close.

i don't think i'll know what to do when i see her. it will be kinda weird haha.

so, now you all can meet my BFF.

my kids will call her aunt tyler, whether they like it or not :]

happy Easter, all. 
He is Risen, i am free!

thoughts on being home

well im home and totally stressed that my room is a MESS.

i seriously can't even walk around my room.

stuff is everywhere!

but it's going to have to stay like this till after exams.

last night, i got to be with the two little men (and pretty little lady) who have all of my heart. 

as much as i love seeing them, it's kinda bittersweet.

just a side note: this family is just as much my family as my own. i am with them more than i am with my family and call them for advice more than i go to my family!  they're that special to me.

{here we are at the Greenbrier in WV at a family vaca. back in the day-- summer 2009}

you see, i'm used to seeing them 40 hours a week in the summers.

then i go to school and have major withdraw....

and then i come back at the end of the school year and feel so guilty.

i have missed so much.

they are so big.

their personalities are becoming more distinct.

and i get all down because i missed all of this that was happening.

it honestly makes my heart ache.

last night, i found out that Stella {their dog} died a little over a month ago.

a MONTH! and i had no clue!

i was never informed about this till i get there and she is no where to be found. i know they were really upset by the death, and rightfully so. but they're like my family. and i would have liked to have been informed when something big like that happens.

stuff like this just brings to my attention that i DID miss some big things.

i was gone, and they were moving on with their lives.
{which i totally expect. just hits ya hard sometimes!}

also, last night, we were discussing my medical mission trip i have to take for school. i am wanting to go to Africa--since i would love to end up out of the county doing mission stuff someday.

i was told by brandon that it was stupid to want to do that.

uhh, sorry. i can't help the desires of my heart...which just happens to be for impoverished kids in other countries.

but rachel did remind me that she supports me in anything and everything i do. and i know that. that at least made me feel a tiny bit better.

but by the end of the night, i just felt like crying! 

just lots of emotions and realizations come with being home.

plus, i'm exhausted and overwhelmed with exams soon. so i'm not being rational right now. but i'm aware of this.

i didn't get any pics last night, but here are some from xmas break.

rory and i had a little photo shoot with the space heater

we love the space heater :]

{well, hello handsome!}

 

{what a punk!}

 {and this is how i felt by the end of the night!}

boy did i look like a hott mess that day! 

and i can't forget that sweet baby girl! who is SO much bigger now!

whew. sorry for all the word vomit!

just lots on the mind tonight.

on a positive note! i talked to one of my favorite teachers tonight! mrs. walpole--who is having a baby girl in less than a week!

so good to catch up with her today before things get crazy.

AND! i went to joshua house tonight {since it's god friday!} with my friend amanda. wow...very powerful.

thank you, Jesus, for being that sacrifice that only you could fulfill, for something you never did. you bring me joy when there is none to be found, and you show me love in more ways than i deserve. thank you for dying to save me. i can never thank you enough.

moving home.

this is how i have been spending my time lately....
when i should have been studying.

{yeah....it looks like a bomb went off around here.}

annnnnd this is how i spent my night on wednesday.

stupid new testament exam!

and while i was studying away, my girls went out line dancing.

i couldn't get the picture to load un-blurry, but you can take my word for it that they looked HOTT.

i'm now regretting that i didn't go :[

but i'm home.
and it's so good to be here.
now to spend my break studying for exams!

some serious stuff.

i was reading online that 20% of teens will develop some type of depression before they reach adult hood.

that may not seem like a lot, but thats 1/5 of ALL teens.

those don't sound like good odds to me.

this past october-ish time, i myself was diagnosed with seasonal depression.

some people ask what seasons depression is. basically, it is depression in the winter months. with decreased exposure to sunlight, the biological clock that regulates mood, sleep, and hormones is delayed, running more slowly in winter (info from the cleveland clinic website).

the last several winters i had noticed that i just was not myself.

senior year in HS i just thought i was ready to be out of the house and on my own, and that is why i was not the ann that everyone knew.

then last year, it was my first year of college. 

so naturally, i just assumed that i was just dealing with all the adjustment that come with college. {a new roommate, being on my own for the first time, financially supporting myself, a demanding workload...you know. the usual}

{me and my bestie on move in day--august 16th, 2010}

well this year, i was out of excuses.

i did have a rocky first semester (i'll get to that at a later post), but nothing that should have caused what i was feeling.

there is a history of depression in my family, but i never thought it could happen to ME.

i am a 'people person' and found myself wanting to isolate myself.

totally a red flag.

i had trouble focusing and wanted to cry all the time--over stupid stuff.

i felt alone and defeated...all the time

more symptoms i didn't know at the time.

you would think i would have been putting the pieces together by now.

one day, i called my parents crying saying i wanted to drop out of school--probably just wanting sympathy, if i'm honest.

well, my parents (being the sympathetic people that they are), told me i might look into seeing a dr. about depression.

jeeze...thanks mom and dad!

{wow, that wasn't really what i was wanting to hear!}

it was really hard for me to admit that i might have depression.

my life was great.

i was blessed to have a healthy family, 

i'm usually peppy and outgoing,

i had the opportunity to get a degree at a private university, 

i had great friends,

i love jesus.

how could i be depressed?!

sure enough, the seemingly impossible happened to me.

and let me just say, it's the hardest feeling to digest at the time.

it's as if i wasn't depressed before, being diagnosed with depression might just make one depressed! (haha i kid, i kid.)

well, my parents thought i should treat it with prayer and exercise. which i think is an awesome idea! 

but i knew that while in school, my focus needed to be on that.

so i went to the dr (who made me feel like a total idiot and made me feel like i didn't know what was going on inside my body--thanks doc.)

but luckily, i was able to get medication and let me tell you,

i am SO glad i did.

i could tell a difference within days.

depression is a hard thing, and it has a horrible stigma that goes along with it.

but, i think it takes a strong person to say:

'hey, i am not perfect. life is tough. i am not myself. and i need help.' 

its a tough pill to swallow.

and maybe i'm biased, but to be able to put what others might think aside and get the help my body needs is something, i think, to be noted for.

you may ask why i'm even mentioning all of this now.

you see, i've been having my 'wanting to withdraw from friends' feelings again recently.

i don't know if it is due to stree with exams lingering, or what. 

but i'll be the first to admit i'm a bit concerned.

my classes start at different times each day, so i'm trying to set an alarm at the same time every day to take my meds {i don't know if that is causing a huge affect but we'll see}

now, i dont go screaming this from the rooftops--quite the contrary.  only 2 people at school know (and the second person just found out last week.) and my immediate family knows.

part of the reason i don't share is because i don't want people to see me as the depressed girl.  that doesn't define me. 

and i'm sure that pride is part of it, too.

but maybe this will help me get out of that shell.

HAH. let's be honest. no one is really reading my blog.

so its pretty safe territory!

but i wanted to post this in case someone was reading this and was dealing with depression 

(also, i want to be able to look back and remember how far i've come.)

you're n-o-t alone!

i feel your pain and confusion.

and there is NOTHING wrong with us.

stay strong. keep your head up. and get the help your body needs. 

it's humbling..that's for sure.

but i'll never be perfect--so why pretend to be?

my name is ann and i struggle with depression.

i'm a college student who loves life, my family and friends.

and i'm still a typical girl who loves to take mirror pics :]

{me and rach....my 'suite-ie'}

just coming across a small glitch in the road....