the last of malone.

the last week has been filled with lots of 'lasts', such as:

-last set of finals....ever.

-last, last week of classes....ever.

-last meal in the cafeteria....ever.

-last time doing laundry at malone....ever.

-last time i live in a community where everything i need is within a 7 minute radius....ever.

-last time checking my mail (in box 771), seeing the staff members i love, and being an undergratuate student....ever. 

tonight, i pack up all my things at Malone and prepare to move out, for the last time...ever.

it's amazing the flood of emotions and memories that have come to me today.

in many ways, i am ready to move on.  i am ready for what the world holds and how the Lord will choose to use me in the profession of nursing.

i am so ready to be done with the homework, tests, and stressful times that come along with being in a rigorous program, such as nursing. 

yet at the same time, it has been my home for the last 4 years.

4 years of memories, friendships, laughs, and cries took place here.

at Malone, i had my first (and second and third) 'official' date with guys.

for the first time, i had solid Christian friends who encouraged me in my walk with the Lord.

and i shared a room with someone other than my sister, as well as 'did life' with many women who had impacted my life.

songs were the 'theme' of the year, and listen to on repeat.

freshmen year was 'mmm what ya say' and 'body language', 'when a heart break no it don't break even' and 'down'.

senior year was '22', 'mirrors', 'right next to you' and many others.

at Malone, i have been shaped into the person i am.

it amazes me to think how my world view, perspective, and faith have changed since i was 18 years old. seems like i was such a baby looking back at it!

i am so thankful for Malone, and the place it will always hold in my heart.

my heart is so full!!  

what a BLESSING it was to learn and grow in the profession of nursing at a place where Christ's Kingdom is first.

i will walk around tomorrow {to take my final exit exam}, for the last time....ever.  

at least for a while.

God, you've been so good.

You knew what i needed in a college, and provided better than i could have imagined.  You are so faithful.

 

{p.s...tomorrow kayleigh, sara, rachel and i will depart in the evening for daytona, FL and then board a cruise saturday, for 6 days, to the bahamas. to say we're pumped is an understatement.  praying for safety--cruises have had some slight issues recently--and a fun time together!}

ann gardner, BSN

this past weekend was such a wonderful weekend.

my family came into town, and it was packed with events.

on friday, i had brunch, pinning, senior dinner and then baccalaureate.

dinner was so good and then the baccalaureate was done by dr. miller.

he is amazing, and did a fabulous job.

he focused on being thankful.

at one point asked us to close our eyes and think of 2 people who we are thankful for.

it was then that i lost it.  

i couldn't contain my tears.  not because of the message, per se, but because i am so thankful for my grandma, who recently died and was not able to join us.

it was just so hard to be without her (for the first 'big' event since her passing).

i was also so thankful for the way the Lord has provided for me.

it's been so amazing to reflect back.

saturday we had commencement and it was so special, too!
it lasted about 2 hours and then took pics with all my friends.  

it feels so good to be a graduate and an alumni.  

before i walked, my heart was pounding!  

and it was all a little bit of a blur.  

since saturday, i've moved into the Moroney's house (where i'll be this summer) and been at the NCLEX review.  

we're on our lunch break currently.

i leave for vaca in 2...count it, 1....2...., days.  

doesn't even seem real!

let the festivities begin!

the next couple of days are crazy up in here.

today consists of:

11 AM brunch with aweosme friends

1:30 (2-3 ish) be ready for pinning ceremony!

 5 is senior banquet/dinner

6:30 be ready for bacchelorate (starts at 7)

then tomorrow is the official day!

my parents and grandpa will be arriving in a couple hours.

missing the presence of my grandma so much already.

she was one of my biggest supporters, and it just isn't normal to celebrate this accomplishment without her cheering me on the whole way!  

i am thankful that graduation isn't about one specific day, but all the days of endless support from those who you love most leading up to that day.  

 

let the festivities begin!

last final....check.

not only is it may 1st (yayy) but i just had my LAST final.

it was super hard, i'll be honest, and i'm a bit worried about my grade.

but i am trusting in His faithfulness and provision.

how does it feel to be a free woman??  WONDERFUL!

and a little bitter sweet at the same time.

i'm so ready for what the future holds, but know it is a lot of unknowns. 

total side note: yesterday, i got the most beautiful flowers from rachel wo. 

they're STUNNING and made me feel so so loved.  

i'm so blessed to have her in my life. 

now i'm gonna go eat and live up the day by sitting outside int he gorgeous weather we've been having! 

life as of late.

lots of BIG things happening around here:

1) as of snday, i have finished my precepting in the ICU!  never again will i be a Malone University Nursing Student (MUNS) and never again will i wear that lovely "STUDENT" label under my name badge :).  

2) not only did i finish precepting, but i finished precepting on night shift (which i once thought would be the death of me!). helllloooo accomplishment.

3)  i have also learned to not only drink coffee these last 2 months, but drink it BLACK.  this has, indeed, made me feel more like an adult.

4) graduation is a mere 4 days away.  oh, the flood of emotions that fills me with this reminder!

5)  lastly (and the most fun thing lately) is that we leave for the cruise in 7 days.  count it!  that's so close.  we're pumped.  gonna be a fun time to eat, sleep, and tan with my girls.

my last theory final ever is tomorrow morning, so i should get studying.  

night shift has been hard because when i work 2 nihts in a row (like i did friday and sat night) it is hard to sleep at night.  i stayed up all day sunday and slept like a baby sunday night, but not so much last night.  i was up for hours throughout the night.  not. fun!  

praying for strength today to finish strong! 

He has been so faithful these 4 years, and i know He will be faithful now.  He is so good, even when i don't deserve any of it.

hurry up!

today, i had my last day of undergraduate classes ever.

such an awesome feeling.  and i had my last undergrad test {that went well}.

now just two days of precepting, finals, and we're done!

hurry up time!  

we are ready to see the finish line a bit closer :)

sooo much!

i know for a while i have struggled with how much to share on the internet.  there are times i feel i am 'too open', but then again, that's totally me.  

there are times i think 'stop instagramming your perfect life to other'.  (please tell me you read that article on revelant magazine.  so good!).  

anyways, it's hard ground.  

and overall, i love being able to document the times in my life.

there have been LOTS going on this last month.

1) first and foremost, my grandmother passed away on March 23rd, 2013.  exactly one month from today.  still hasn't sunk in.  it was a whirlwind of a month as i have spent catching up on lost assignment during that time.  she is with Jesus.  what a praise!  He has taught me so much through her death.  ask me about it sometime :)

2) graduation is 11 days away.  how did THAT happen!?  we had senior chapel last week which made me want to just give in the towel.  i am trying to finish strong!  it is so close

3)  this summer i get the joy to live with a family from my church.  they are such Godly people and i am so excited.  i will be working full time in the HR dept at a family business.  God provides, huh?!

4)  leaving for vaca the week after graduation.  we're pumped.  we even have a chain-link countdown--like the ones we used to have in kindergarden LOL.

5) my very best friend, rachel wo, got engaged!!  i think i posted about it, but she has asked me since then to be in the wedding.  it is my honor.  no date picked yet, although nov 23rd is looking like a strong contender.  it's such a blessing to see a friend choose and marry a Godly man

that's about all for now.  had my LAST nursing theory lecture ever yesterday.  Sweet Jesus, You have been so faithful during these last 4 years!  it seems like just yesterday i was a freshmen and graduation seemed so far away.  so unreal!

when stuff happens.

well to say that the last 48 hours have been a whirlwind would be such an understatement.

my grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer that has spread all throughout her body.

yesterday the doctor said 5-7 days is her time expectancy.

we started her on hospice this afternoon.

i have cried lots and lots.

my grandma has been my biggest supporter and encourager for every phase of my life.

i cannot imagine going through some vital periods without her support.  selfishly, i want her there for m

even today she said to be (when we were talking about the boards).

gma: we've been over this (in a loving tone, not condemning).  everything you were worried about has turned out so great.  you will do great.

see?  she has always been there pushing me along.

making me believe i can do it. 

having full confidence in me.

she literally has been the best grandma anyone could ask for.

these next couple days/weeks will be so hard.

lots of unknown (which is so not conducive to a college schedule, especially when you're 2 hours away).  lots of taking it a day at a time.  which for this type A personality is sometimes rough.

so please pray for her.

for her peace, for her comfort.  for the comfort of my family.

also, my greatest prayer is that she comes to know the Lord in these last few moments.

lady vikes.

well it's been a while, and a lot has happened!

first and foremost, i'm officially on spring break.

which means i'm half way done with my SENIOR year of college.  wow.

someone please explain to me how that happened. 

also, tonight abbey's team played in the regional semi-finals and WON!

they played so so good, and it was so awesome to support her.

they play again friday and i can't wait to go! (they have been playing in columbus so it's nice and convenient for me).  

the Lord has continued to bless me in my wednesday night bible study, each week getting closer to a new woman.  it's amazing.  i'm so thankful. and i really missed being there this past week.

i did not do very well on my last test, but i know that the Lord is faithful.

lastly, the more i am around children, the more i see the darkness of my heart.

it is sooo hard to selfless. and patient. and kind.  

i see how long my heart has to go until i reach (or get closer to) the gospel idea of selflessness.

jeeze. 

Create in me a new heart, O God. 

as i get overwhelmed with the neediness of kids and the own selfishness that i hold onto, i am reminded of something i recently read.
about my utmost need to depend on the Lord.
and how i cannot breathe, talk, walk, speak, and yet alone be spiritually influential without the understanding that i NEED God.  each and every moment.  no if, and, or but about it.

and i'm brought to my knees.
in humble spirit that i cannot do this alone.  but am in desperate need of His power and His presence in me. and that is the only reason i am going to get through each day.

and a cringe a little {at my own heart}, and sign a little because His grace and His mercy cover me.  by His wounds i am healed.
thank you, sweet Lord and Savior.

love day.

yesterday was valentines day!

i got to spend most of it at clinical, which was probably a good distractor haha.

as i was reflecting on the day, i had several thoughts:

first off, it was easy to have pity that i don't have a boyfriend, and lots of people around me do.

almost immediately after that, i was so blown away by my Lord and Savior.  

and all at once, i found myself in awe with the fact that i serve a Savior who pursues me each and every day....not just on valentines day.

and at the same time, i feel excited and comforted in the promise that i will have a Valentine of my own some day.  it may be far away, it may be next year.  but the Lord is faithful.  and so good to me.

and then?  being single doesn't seem so bad.

when you get to experience the love and grace and mercy that He pours out, being single isn't all the badness it is cracked up to be.  

do i long for the day i am married?  absolutely.

but no relationship is going to last if i first don't understand my worth and value that can only stand in Christ.  

i trust that He has given me everything i need for today.

and that He is not withholding good gifts from me.

and that He is refining me still to be a better wife and mother than i was yesterday!

plus, when you have amazing friends who love on you and show Jesus to you on the days when they're single and you're not, you feel even that much more blessed.  they are awesome.  and God is so good.

hope you not only felt loved yesterday, but every day.

almost 5 years.

last night, the impossible happened.

not really, but something i never thought in a million years would.

i have a friend from germany {i met when i was there for 2 weeks, almost 5 years ago} and we skyped last night for the first time since that summer.  we have been messaging regularly over these 5 years but never more than that.  until last night.

i was worried it would be awkward and there wouldn't be anything to talk about, but 1 hr and 34 minutes into the conversation i realized that clearly wasn't the case.  i ended it at that time to end on a good note.  if it isn't obvious, this friend is a man.  a cute man who loves the Lord.  a lot.

i am so thankful for our conversation as it was uplifting and encouraging.  but i also have no idea if this will ever go anywhere, ever.  my guess is it won't, since it hasn't already in these last 5 years.  but you can be praying for wisdom and discernment on how to act/not act.  

at some points, i scream "Lord, take him out of my life if he isn't supposed to be there!" and other times pray, "Lord, help him to be captivated by my heart, if it is your will".  i just want some definitive answers here! haha.  

anyways, i have no idea why the Lord has continued to keep him in my life, and just have to trust that i don't need to know or i would.  but the 'waiting to see why this all happened the way it did', is hard.  and i need patience.  but regardless!  i am encouraged that there are men out there who have quality. and it's enough encouragement to hang on and not settle. these men may be in texas and half way across the country, but they exist.

so 5 years.....here's to 5 more! LOL.

(any of you have these type of stories?! friends who you met traveling that you keep in touch/don't keep in touch with?!  or am i alone in this?!)

modern day hannah.

this past week was busy, but i got everything done on mon-thurs so i had NO homework this weekend. whew!

i went home on friday and sat to see the lackey fam and meet Merrin. 

man, she is beautiful and i am in love with her.

it's crazy how you can know someone for .2 seconds and be head over heels. i love that about the portrait of the Father's love!

she's so tiny and so squishy!  i could just eat her up.

i had a couple good 4 hour moments with her and just felt my heart would burst of pure joy and love.

it was also awesome to see the boys and aubrey, who was my little shadow this weekend.

we did laundry, dishes, and cooking together.

and she has gotten so much more of a personality!  

she would say, 'why, thank you, ann!' and 'you're welcome!' all the time.

and her favorite was, 'where is my baby sister?!' she said that a lot.  Merrin is just so tiny you could misplace her easily! LOL.  

however, while being home with them was amazing, it was hard and my heart is heavy tonight.

i didn't know why, and as i spent time in prayer the Lord revealed to me why.

you see, i have always wanted to be a wife and mom.  it's the deepest desire of my heart, by far.

so i go home and get a glimpse of it, and think 'this is so far in my future'.  and it can be so hard and so discouraging.  i feel as if i'll never get to experience these desires.

and all within a couple minutes, i'm reminded of the story of Hannah.

she was barren, and in her deep anguish, cried to the Lord and asked her to 'remember me' and give her a son, whom she would devote to the Lord all the days of his life. 

and of course, God remembered her later that chapter and she had Samuel, who is a huge biblical character!  

He is faithful.  He remembers.  and i have these desires for a reason.

so i choose to trust Him.  and to know that He will give me patience if i need it and am single for a while longer {which very well could be the case}.

i am so blessed by the lackey family, in more ways than one. 

and it was great to spend the 2 days with them.

and i look forward to the day that i can have a family of my own and feel that love and joy on a more personal level.

but until then, i have everything i need.

and i am being given good gifts from the Father of the Heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows......praise the Lord.  

and so i'll focus on finishing school, so i can graduate and get a job :)

God is so good to me. i pray many of you rest in that today. 

pedal to the medal!

well, this week started off with our first critical care test!

and we survived.  {although not sure if i technically passed LOL}

it was a fair test, which is so appreciated, so i will feel fine, even if i don't do as good as i would have liked.

pray for strength this week.  i'm already starting off tired.

and i've got a lot to get done if i'm going to enjoy my weekend with a precious newborn and her sibs :)

good news is that i've made great progress today, and i'm praying that keeps up.

nothing else to report.  

just ready for friday morning to be here! 

oh.  and 3 months from today?  i'll be a college GRADUATE!!!

if that isn't a happy thought, i don't know what is :)

merrin juliette.

well my sweet 'niece' has a name!

merrin juliette k-l

it's unique, and growing on me.  {i thought lylah was gonna win!}

but i can't wait to squeeze her and love on her!

i'll be going home this weekend to spend time with them.

praying i can be productive and get homework done early/efficiently so i don't have any this weekend.

i was the 2nd person to know the name--behind taylor--so i felt loved.

things have been crazy, so pray for a smooth transition and quick recovery for mama.

this morning, i got to lead sunday school for the 4 and 5 yr olds with coach walker's wife, allison.

she basically is amazing.  and i want to be her when i grow up.

or if she would be my mentor, that would be cool, too :).

but now, time for bed. 

big theory test in the morning...send some prayers my way!

i'm back.

wow.  it's been almost 2 months since i've been on here.

i went through a phase where i felt that social media was invading my life.

i took a break from facebook {am back now} and just hit a point where i didn't need people knowing about my life because, really, those who need to know already know.

i felt i needed to be more intentional, not just via media.

hence, the blogging break {which lasted longer than i thought}.

anyways, i have realized that blogging can be a great way to journal, and i want to remember these days in life!

here are some highlights of the last couple months:

--had my last christmas break, ever 

--Lord willing, spent my last bit of extended time at home.

--started my last semester of college and had my last 'first-day-of-school'.  holla!

--spent NYE with some amazing friends, and then got the flu for the first time ever.

--learned how to knit and made a beautiful green scarf that i wear often.

--have been working out with the women i live with a lot this semester.  we're set out to get toned! i've been leading the circuit workouts and loooving it!

--oh!  started critical care nursing rotation.  and it's not as scary as i thought it would be--whew :).

that's probably it.  except the most recent and exciting thing.

on 1-30-13, i wrote this in my journal, "Lord, will you engulf me today? will you pursue me today and show me your love?  i invite you to show me just how active and involved you are in my life.  capture my heart."

that night?  i got a txt around 10 pm saying that my 'unofficial' niece would be here within the hour!  welp if that doesn't show my heart more than anything, i don't know what will. 

rachel and brandon, about an hour later, welcomed {another} beautiful baby GIRL into the world!!!  i was 110% sure it was a boy.  i am still SOO shocked but my heart couldn't be more full.  i have not met her yet, but am hoping to next weekend!  i've seen a couple pics and she is precious.  i just want wait to get my hands on her.  

at the same time, pray for my patience and understanding as i haven't heard from them much.  i know it's a busy time for all, and look forward to hearing from them when they get a chance!

that's all, for now. feeling more like a real nurse in clinical, which is encouraging.  and ready to go into precepting soon! 

hope to be back here to periodically update!

...happy weekend :)